New Year Syndrome

After making sure that the kids had a spectacular Christmas, Jeff's unemployment went kaput (hey, Hawaii friends, isn't it interesting how kaput is similar to kapu? weird). And so our New Year begins with Jeff working with his folks all the way out in Utah while we are here patiently waiting for college to start and for him to return for every third week. Maybe.
Okay, I admit it. I had suffered from New Year Syndrome-that dangerous disease that incorporates hope for all things new-I had hoped that the year 2010, an impossible number to me which makes me think fondly of the Giant Hershey Bar from space, would be...well, better. That things would start to move up, that I would finally smack the curveball that is striking us out, that I would at least pass the Go space on the frickin' board and collect my$200. Man, $200. I am almost drooling on that one.
Instead I am sans husband, plus four kids, one college schedule, and up one babysitter. Yes, yes, away my Kekoa goes to Daycare. And I am not so secretly heartbroken. True, I could stop going to school, but what the hell would be the point in a semester's worth of credits? I at least need the paper that says AS for absolutely sh** on it. But, damnit, he's the last one and he's already not a baby anymore and I know it's only half a day, but that's half a day that we don't get to explore and walk to the library and pick up leaves or make snowmen or go to the park or eat lunch at Pangaea or play with the Thomas trains in the toystore or blow raspberries or...wow, I am severely rambling on. Maybe.
In truth, I am happy to be at school, but sad to be away from my husband and kids. Happy to be doing something I procrastinated on a bit, but wish I had finished already. Happy to be learning something new from Cultural Anthropology, but wondering why I have to take English and Computer Lit, hoping I manage to not be lost in Algebra or bored to tears in Philosophy and secretly glad that Jeff being gone meant I dropped that Government & Politics online course-not that I didn't want to take it, just that I thought it was a bit much already on top of everything else.
Believe it or not, I am actually trying to be optimistic here. Here's hoping that the Jefferson's are our new neighbors for 2010.
Cue the Giant Hershey Bar from space.

Jay-Jay is One

Last year I had this...
This year I have this...
For his birthday, we did this...

And cut down this, to put lights on it and make all sparkly, which he would promptly try and remove. Note that all expressions indicate, "Are we done standing here yet? It's really frickin' cold out here."

Two days after his birthday, we got this...

Happy Birthday, son. I am overjoyed to be your mother and I look forward to more Christmases together.

Working off their Turkey

We decided to visit my dad and Brenda for Thanksgiving this year, as we had not seen them for a bit. A good time was had by all.

Dad actually reported that he missed us after we left. He said it was too quiet. Which, really, for my dad to think things are quiet...well, it's a bit strange.

The Pumpkin Blog I was going to write

I missed watching the leaves change color in Hawaii, having an actual autumn. We went down to visit my Aunt Mary and pick pumpkins out of an actual patch. The patch was a school fundraiser and we knew the kids would have fun. And it was fun, but it was ridculously overpriced. Worse than the pumpkins we could have bought at Safeway. Ah, well, there you are. Can't always have awesome pumpkins from Hawi. They had a bus that drove around the patch for bumpy, scary rides that were very bumpy, but not quite so scary. And there was a small petting zoo complete with pigs eating the rotten pumpkins. That was a little scary.

All in all, it was a fun time.

Still

I had this whole blog planned about how we took the kids to the pumpkin patch, complete with pictures and I will still write that, but not today. Today, oh man, today is something different.
Carolann, Jeff's sister, my sister, passed away.
My house is quiet. My kids are asleep. My husband is in Utah. Everything is dark, so dark I cannot see the end of it. I know it's there, but my heart is too sore to find it.
It should be against the law. It's not fair. I am angry and sad and I don't understand. I feel like I am putting together a puzzle with only purple pieces. I should be asleep. I've been up since three this morning, but every time I close my eyes all I can see is her face. And the faces of my nieces. Oh, how my heart aches for them. I know they are in good hands; Christie is exceptional, Brian and Jenny are gems; I know the girls will never not know what a wonderful person she was. Yet, I see them graduating and marrying and having babies of their own without being able to hold her hand. So, we will hold them. Hold them close and tight and tell them stories of all the tears that she shed for them, all the small wonders she grasped so they could see, all the times the light and love shown from her face just to look at them.
I miss her. I opened my phone to call Christie and Carolann is listed above it. I open my computer to type and the screensaver is on a picture of her and Owen riding the Ducks in Seattle. In spite of all that we have seen and done together, I loved her more. So much more. There was so much strength in her, so much beauty, so much joy. I want to scream and break things. I want to look at people in the streets and ask them how dare they keep on living when she is not. But I cannot. These things will not bring her back. Nor would I, even if they did. I want to, but I cannot. She is starting over. Not was, but is. She was in love and beautiful. She had her girls. Putting things in their place. I can't see her, but I know she's there. Moving on to bigger things and better things, things that sparkle, things that shine, things that we aspire to.
So I will hold her close and tight and tell her that it's okay, that we're not okay, but will be. I will hold her close and say I love you. And see you later.

I know! I know!

I have been failing my New Year's Resolution to write the blog every week uber spectacularly. I have a good one planned, but it is mid-term time and I just never seem to get around to uploading the pictures that must go with it.
Seriously, it's a visual.
Anywoot, hang on tight gang. I promise this weekend. In the meantime, here's my yellow watermelon picture.

In a galaxy far far away...

In case you didn't hear, Jeff's grandma passed away.
I know. I was sad too.
We left California last Wednesday in order to make to the service in Orem on Saturday. And then drove down to Blanding in southern Utah for the burial. It has been an extremely long and hard trip.
I am writing this in the car from Moab to Price. Which seems to be roughly like traveling over the barren wilderness that is northern Nevada. Only redder.
So I will wish Grandma safe passage and happy reunion with her husband, tell her we love her, and will see her in a bit.